What is Seen, Cannot be Unseen

There are things we don't realise about ourselves, things that are hidden, sometimes the people in our lives can see them, but at other times they are so well hidden that no one can see them. We have expectations for ourselves and the way we'd like to behave and also for how we'd like others to treat us. Unfortunately though what people aspire to and how they actually behave in practice is not always consistent.

When this happens, when there is a disparity between expectations and behaviour it is often sad and disappointing. Even more so when it is someone we have trusted, when we learn that someone we love has lied to us it hurts. And it is supposed to.

We are angry, we feel betrayed, cheated or rejected because we feel that we deserve more. If we didn't feel this way it would mean we think we deserve to be treated so poorly. The voice in our head is indignant, 'how could you do this to me!'

Emotions are normal, we are supposed to feel them, when we are hurt we are supposed to grieve, when something good happens we should be able to experience joy. There are times when we may lose this ability, we become numb or separated from ourselves and can't remember how to feel. This is probably the saddest thing of all. There are times in life where we will be hurt, where our heart will be broken and the people in our lives will disappoint us but this isn't all there is.

On the other side of this is joy, happiness and satisfaction. We can feel these things even in the midst of grief or sadness and the ability to do so means that we are truly in touch with ourselves and who we are.

If we can be honest with ourselves, can deal with the emotions we feel as we feel them then we can become the best version of ourselves.

This year I will strive to be the best version of myself even on my worst days.

The Last Goodbye

I think some people are incapable of happiness. You can probably think of the ones in your life that stand out, they're in a job they've hated for years or in a dysfunctional relationship.

And you wonder why they're still there because it's obvious they aren't getting any joy or happiness from it. Often we get so used to something that it's comforting even if it's hollow because it has always been there. We get stuck in a habit and to change that would be confronting, we would have to deal with something new so we stick with what we know.

Habit, is a horrible thing, it's a nasty word, it's defined as; an acquired behaviour pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. It's doing something because we have been conditioned to do it. Because we're used to it. We eventually become so comfortable in our habits that we forget there is an alternative.

Some people hold onto habits, onto bad jobs or bad relationships because they can't fathom what it would be like not to have that there. What would fill the space?

Others get manipulated into staying in bad habits because they believe that if they're not there things will fall apart. Well, in a job no one is indispensable and in a relationship if someone only comes along when they have a drama or know that you might be moving on then you're being fooled.

Last week I had to let go of a habit. I had to say good bye to someone that I love very much. And I had been clinging onto that, I'd refused to let go, and then I realised how much it was tearing me up. I let go and this anxiety that has been swallowing me for nearly 15 months dissipated. I realised that what I was living with didn't need to be there, not in its current manifestation.

Perhaps one day it will change, but I know that if it doesn't I have chosen now to go forward, to make new connections, break a habit & live without relying on a person that couldn't do the same.

Everything Is Finite

A farmer said to my Dad who was removing weeds from a property, 'Why do you do this? Ten million years ago this was a volcano in a million years time who knows what it will be. What's the point?' my Dad replied, 'Everything is finite, and our lives will end eventually, but I love what I do, and I'm happy doing it now and I know that what I do today is making a difference in this moment.'

Which made me think of a quote (sorry I don't know who said it), which is, 'If you worry about what might be and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is'. I have been trying to be more mindful recently because there is no 'one day', I won't wake up one day and be happy or fulfilled or satisfied if I'm not living the way I want to be now, which means being honest with myself, not hiding and having courage. 

If we are scared it means we are trying, it means we are working, it means we are living. I have a lot of anxiety and fear, and I worry a lot, sometimes that fear is paralysing. But I keep moving, I move through the fear and by doing that I realise that what I'm scared of often won't even happen and if it does I can survive it.

Anyone who knows my story, and knows the chances I took to get my job at Deloitte will know that even when I'm faced with fear and the unknown I will keep going (even if there are a couple of speed bumps). Sometimes that means I make mistakes or I fail, sometimes that means I get hurt or disappointed. But I would rather fail because I've tried, I would rather be hurt because I've put myself out there and taken a chance. 

When I come to the end of my life and I'm looking back I will know that I have lived with courage and that I have been honest and lived each moment being the best version of myself I can be.

And so to finish, here's my Dad's favourite quote by David Henry Thoreau, 'Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.'

So be scared, jump even if you don't have a parachute, sing your song and be in the moment. 

There is no one day. Only now. 

Love, Loss & the Changing of the Seasons

I've already written that this year is going to involve a lot of change, which has led me to thinking about times in my life that have been similar and how I've dealt with the situations I've faced.

About 14 months ago my relationship of 3 and a half years ended and it was horrible. We'd lived together for the majority of our relationship and our entire lives were intertwined, our social lives, our friends, our families and our home. We were both unhappy, yet we were both scared, if we stopped being together there would be a massive hole where the other one had been. That fear of change meant we stayed together for longer than we should have, it took a lot of courage for both of us to be able to admit it wasn't working and that we needed to let each other go and move on.

We each dealt with this change differently and went through our own grieving process. It was like being weaned off an addiction, the person that I'd gone to for everything was gone. Who should I tell my good news to, or go to when I've had a bad day? Occasionally there was a relapse, but eventually we were both strong enough to be able to deal with moving forward and not being so present in each other's lives.

Even though it was a necessary change it was still one of the more difficult things I've had to deal with, I thought I was going to always be in his life and my plans for the future were now completely changed. I held on to a memory of happiness and deluded myself that it could work when I knew it was already lost. 

Change is not always going to be easy, necessary change is going to hurt and often being able to get to a place where you're a better version of yourself requires going through some bad and icky times.

But letting go and finding yourself in that place is so much more rewarding. I learnt many things from that relationship and I know he did to, we have both been able to become better people because of it and we can appreciate each other for that. 

That's not something I thought I would ever be able to get to, to be at peace with my past and to want him to be happy - so that in itself is something that I learnt.

Now we don't talk so much, and it's ok because we don't need to. Our own lives are just that, ours and not each other's.

I know that if I can deal with a change like that then the changes for this year will be miniscule and I can live, learn, let go and grow.

Enough Already

I've had enough of intelligent, capable, talented women bleating that they are not enough. I watch some of the conversations happening online (and offline) sometimes and think 'why are you putting yourself down?' and then I catch myself doing it because we seem to be conditioned to think it's normal.

The endless rhetoric of 'oh I've put on so much weight / I'm not good at.... / I'm not pretty / I'm not very fit / I'm not very talented / I'm a bad mother/wife/daughter/employee'. We seem to be trying to one up each other on how bad at something we are. Are you serious? It is ridiculous.

It is ok to be good at something, it's very ok to be happy with who you are and how you look and you shouldn't have to tell people otherwise. You shouldn't have to think that you have to tell anyone otherwise. And if you can't even say it to yourself how can you expect anyone else to say it to you?

I want you to try something, say this to yourself (or out loud), 'I am good enough. I am important'. Now, how does that make you feel? Do you get a good feeling from that, or does it make you cringe? If you're cringing like I did when I first said that to myself I hope you realise that's not a good thing. If you feel good, if you believe it, hallelujah! 

Because you should feel good, you are important and you are enough.

Stop telling yourself (and everyone else) that you're not.