I recently attended a pamper session at the Yoga centre my sister attends, it was a lovely morning filled with massages, facials, making mandalas, and after lunch we were told we would be in an 'interactive session'.
We grabbed our chairs and sat down, totally zen and blissing out from our morning of pampering and the facilitator opened with, 'how often do you apologise for things?' Sorry, what was that? Oh there I go again. At the time I didn't think that much about it, because I say sorry to be polite or because I'm sincerely sorry for something.
But a few days down the track and I've really started to notice how much I'm saying sorry, I apologise if I haven't replied to an email for 24 hours, I apologise when trying to get out of the tram and someone won't move out of the way, I apologise for things which either aren't in my control or have nothing to do with me, I apologise for saying something that I believe because it might have hurt someone else's feelings. I apologise for apologising. I'm sorry I've written apologise more than half a dozen times in this post already.
I'm almost apologising for my existence sometimes. That's not to say that apologising when you are actually sorry about something is bad (and to be sincere and vulnerable and apologise is a great thing), but what I'm talking about here is just being sorry because it's habit or conditioning. Now, there is the 'gender issue' here, because women and men are raised differently, and the behaviours that are accepted or corrected in each gender as we're growing up and ongoing do vary.
As a woman, if we are steadfast we're seen as a 'ball breaker' or a 'man eater', to ask for what you want and not apologise for it can be confronting. I was recently told by someone that when they first met me they thought that I was, 'an arrogant bitch' and here is the kicker: the person that told me that was a woman. If you're a woman I want you to think about when you've been criticised for something and then think about who it is coming from. I'm ashamed that you'll probably realise like me that more often than not it is from other women. I'm the first to say that I'm guilty of this, and I think we've all been on both sides of it.
Why do we behave like this? One theory was that back in our cave dwelling days we needed to compete for the best caveman to look after us and protect us and that behaviour continues on (even if we don't have to fight for the best caveman anymore).
Regardless of why we do it, the question remains, how can we ever expect to be empowered or able to (and I hate this turn of phrase), 'break through the glass ceiling' if all we're ever doing is stabbing each other in the back?
We should feel that we can be confident to ask for what we want and need, that we can have satisfaction in life across all areas and that we'll have each other's back when we do this. Each of us, male or female should be able to be our true selves and to stand in our power and not be belittled because of it.
I am sorry that I have been one of these backstabbing women, but that's it for apologising.
Next time you're about to apologise, take a breath and ask yourself, 'what am I saying sorry for?' Are you representing who you really are by apologising and standing in your own power or are you apologising for your existence?
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