Certainly Terrified

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This week I paid my deposit for Kokoda, and I have to say I have never before been so simultaneously excited and terrified about something. I am terrified about it for a number of reasons, firstly my opinions and thoughts around this trek have been shaped by things I've heard and seen. I've read about how mentally and physically exhausting it will be and heard about people who have been injured or who've died while doing it. 

It is also a completely new experience for me, I've been pretty sedentary for at least the last 5 years and my only experience with climbing was Cradle Mountain in Tasmania more than 10 years ago (I beat my Dad to the top even if he won't admit it). The temperature, intensity and terrain will be difficult to prepare for and I'll be heading to 99% humidity from a Melbourne winter. 

There are a lot of reasons to be scared and apprehensive. I expect that this will fade once I get there and I'm able to acclimatise, I'll be getting the information I need so that I am not anxious about it. The more I know and can understand about something the more comfortable I am with it. I can be pretty difficult to deal with if I don't have the answers or I don't know what is going on.

While I'm pretty scared I'm also very excited, there is the physical side of the challenge, it's a great reason to start doing some serious exercise and to get a lot more fit. But more than anything I think that this will be a mental challenge. I found when I returned to running that it was my head holding me back most of the time because I was physically able to run but making excuses for myself.

Once I'm on the trail there aren't any options, the only way out is to keep walking and on the days where I don't feel like it any more, when I'm exhausted, hot and tired I will have to keep going and get my head into a better place. Even if I can't change my head space, I will just have to suck it up and keep walking. Sarah said to me a few weeks ago, 'You don't have to be happy, you can be miserable, but keep thinking positive things anyway'. This is my challenge. When unhappy, when exhausted, keep going and get to the end.

Even though I'm worried, even though I don't quite know what to expect or even how I will respond to what is ahead I'm excited. Because in all of this uncertainty is opportunity, something new and an experience I won't ever forget.

When I Grow Up.

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When I was in Prep I wanted to get married to my next door neighbour who I was besotted with and have a farm with a huge barn, a few years after that I decided I wanted to be an Agricultural Scientist so I could share in the work that my Dad does saving the planet from environmental bandits. In High School I wanted to be a Psychologist until I realised I wasn't good enough at the subjects I needed, then it was a Writer and then an Artist. 

Once I got to University and started my Visual Arts degree I found that the practical side of art sucked all the joy I had for it and took something I loved and made it too complicated, too analytical and no longer pure. Then after working in some horrid office jobs I decided on HR and after about 4 years on that path I'm now in Social Media.

A couple of weeks ago I was asked, 'where do you want to be in five years?' and the truth is, I have no idea. I could barely tell you where I want to be by the end of this year. I used to think that when I became an adult, when I was a 'grown up' all these things would make sense, like there is this magic point when you turn 18 and you get all the answers.

Well now I'm 26 and I'm no closer to getting any of the answers, and I'm no closer to working out what I want to be when I grow up, or even who I want to be when I grow up.

Sometimes I look around me at all the other grown ups and wonder if I'm the only one that has no idea what they're doing. Because we all manage to look so secure, so sure of who we are and where we're going. We don't often admit that we have no idea.

The work I'm doing now barely existed five years ago and the work I'm doing in another five years may not exist yet either. I don't have all the answers (I've barely got any), though I'm not short of questions.

I admit, I have no idea what I'm doing and I may not ever know. At least that's something I know?

I am...

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Last month I wrote about women not thinking they are enough and put out the challenge to tell yourself, 'I am enough, I am important', and of course this extends to men as well. Since I wrote that post I've been practising saying that to myself, and as silly as it sounds I've written it on my bathroom mirror so I see it every day. When I start to get used to it I rub it off and rewrite it to try and cement it a little further. 

It has started to sink in, what was initially a whimper became indignant whenever someone hurt me, 'I deserve more! I am important', and now is almost a statement. The sky is blue and I am important. 

But it's a little too general for me, I like details and I like to get specific, so now I have started to think about other things that I am, generally positives but there are other traits too. This isn't about ignoring things but about accepting and acknowledging what's there, no blame, no attachment to it; just a statement. So that can be I am sarcastic, or I am nurturing or I am silly (I definitely covered that one off by climbing into a fireplace). 

I've been pondering my list of things 'I am', yesterday in a conversation I came up with ten (I was sticking to positives in this instance) and I added a few more overnight. I then began to think about specific people in my life what are ten things that they are, a large amount of the people that I love and care for are steadfast, loyal, playful, empathetic and compassionate. These qualities came up over and over again when I considered the people I am most often surrounded by, which is an amazing thing. What incredible qualities to have around and to be influenced by. 

When I was making my list I was speaking with a friend and he said, 'I wouldn't be able to come up with that many for myself', so I told him what he was to me and I easily came up with ten (and could have kept going). It is a fault that we can see the qualities of others, but may not see our own. 

If you're like my friend and can't come up with a list for yourself, start by looking at the people in your life, what are the qualities that embody them and then make a list. Once you can do it for other people it will become easier to look at yourself and see your own. 

In school we were asked to complete this exercise for our classmates and write a sentence for each person in the room. To see how other people saw us was enlightening and I still have my slips of paper from that day. 

The people in your life will be able to see you, even if you can't.

Wondering, What if?

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I can't believe I'm going to be this much of a cliché on Valentine's Day but here goes. We're often warned that the grass isn't greener, to be cautious because we might leave something to find out what we've left it for isn't worth it. But if we don't find out won't we always be left wondering - what if?

I've been speaking a lot with a friend recently who has been applying for jobs and going through the thought processes that many of us go through when we're in this situation. We begin to wonder if it's worth it, we get the work equivalent of beer goggles and suddenly the things that annoyed us or that we knew to be true a few weeks ago don't look so bad and we try to come up with reasons why we should stay. I know it has happened to me whenever I have been looking to leave a role, even when I've been extremely unsatisfied I've thought that staying could work out. But the reality is we know when something isn't right, when it doesn't fit and when it's time to move on. Often it will take us a bit of time before we'll realise it (or admit it).

Unfortunately, sometimes we do move on and we find out that the grass isn't greener but in doing so we've taken a step closer to where we needed to be. If it wasn't for the last bad move I made then I wouldn't have started writing my blog and I wouldn't now be at Deloitte. There was a series of things that needed to happen for me to end up where I did, even though they were difficult at the time.

Tennyson wrote, tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. If we didn't take risks and didn't step out of our comfort zone we wouldn't have any entrepreneurs, no break through innovations and nothing to strive for. We go from comfort to possibilities, to the anticipation of a new challenge and the excitement of new opportunities. 

And we won't be left wondering; what if?

Kokoda Trek

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First session at 1,000 steps

I wrote at the start of this year that I'm planning to trek Kokoda with my best friend Sarah. We've actually been friends since Kindergarten, and went all the way through primary and high school together. Our friendship has spanned more than 20 years and we've been through a life time of experiences already.

We've started our training and having someone to be accountable has been helping to keep us motivated. The next four months will be a lot more training, camping and preparation for what is going to be an incredible experience.

Each of us is also going to be raising money for causes which are important to us as well. Sarah is raising money for SIDS and I'll be fundraising for the Alfred Hospital.

While I was researching the history of the trail I came across this promotion where the prize package includes the Kokoda Trek for two people, so if you'd like to help me out I'd really appreciate your vote.

The goal or person rather with the most votes will win (and the voter also has a chance to win some stuff too).

Vote for my goal to Trek Kokoda with my best friend Sarah

If we win the trip, I'll be donating $2,000 to the Alfred Hospital - so please help us out!

Also, this link doesn't seem to work on anything that doesn't allow flash so my apologies to mobile device users.